Presents of Mine
My, how time flies when you're in the textiles business.
Faster than you can say, "Well, you doesn't have to call me Mr. Johnson," it's the most wonderful time of the year again, when our thoughts turn to mistletoe and markdowns, dolls and doorbusters, garlands and gross margins.
And as the calendar counts down from Gray Thursday to Black Friday to White-Out Wednesday, it's time once more to offer all those in the industry who have been naughty or nice - sometimes a little bit of both - some glad tidings of the season.
This holiday tradition has been a fixture for longer than I care to remember, but essentially the mission has been the same: to suggest the perfect little something for the imperfect little so-and-sos in business.
Needless to say, it is all offered with tongue planted firmly in cheek and in the spirit of the knowledge that business is tough out there and a lot of people are trying their best not to screw things up. Which isn't to say that's always the end result, but hey, whoever said there was no laughing in home textiles?
Mike Duke: A renewal of his Mexican visa as obviously he hasn't yet been able to get to the bottom of the corruption scandal the Boys from Bentonville seem to have pulled off south of the border.
Kevin Mansell: A dysfunctional Penney and a flat Target so he can outperform the marketplace ... wait, you say he already has that and he's still not very merry? Hmmmmm...
Greg Steinhafel: A dysfunctional Penney and a flat Kohl's so he can outperform the marketplace...wait, you say he already that and he's still not very merry? Hmmmm....
RonJon Johnson: Hoping his worst nightmare doesn't come true that Target and Kohl's get their acts together and make a whole lot of merry. Oy......
Norm Savaria: Ebita-la-la-la-la.
Richard Baker: A nice big spoon to eat his words about Lord & Taylor Home being a billion dollar business.
RonJon Johnson: Whatever size spoon Baker is getting, one size up for him when it comes to word-eating. In fact, make it a ladle.
Terry Lundgren: An apology from the rest of the retail business world for underestimating the great job he has done at Macy's.
Tom O'Connor: A postponement of his retirement party - now delayed indefinitely.
Fast Eddie Money Lampert: More assets to sell off as he conducts the longest going-out-of-business sale in American history.
RonJon Johnson: More time as he hopes he doesn't have to conduct one of the shortest going-out-of-business sales in American history.
Steve Temares and Art Stark: A stop to their accounts at helpwanted.com as they finally get staffed up again in New Jersey. Boy, that was a lot more than anybody bargained for, wasn't it?
Martha Stewart: A copy of the classic 1960's Firesign Theater album, "How can you be in two places at once when you're not anywhere at all?"
Alan Gladstone: A passport, perhaps?
Neil Cole: An RV to get RV out of Plano.
RonJon Johnson: Just a little mea culpa would be nice, wouldn't it?
And to all: Peace on Earth.